Toxic Positivity is a Thing
I have been seeing this phrase used a lot recently so I thought I would break down the usage and meaning of “toxic positivity”. We all know the word ‘toxic’ and how it is used to describe a person, relationship, or even a mentality. An example of this can be a verbally abusive partnership, or even YOU being the toxic one, creating negative feelings and vibes in certain situations. I know that I, for the longest time, only associated “being toxic” with negativity. Negative people, negative words, negative attitudes, etc. It wasn’t until I had a therapist who discussed the term toxic positivity, which I never knew was a thing, but it happens quite frequently.
So what exactly is “toxic positivity”? According to the Psychology Group, toxic positivity is the “excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.” Toxic positivity is telling yourself you ALWAYS need to be positive even in the worst of situations. This term was brought to my attention during a therapy session where I kept reiterating that “I was okay” when I knew I was the complete opposite. Suppressing or invalidating our feelings causes way more harm than we think. “With toxic positivity, negative emotions are seen as inherently bad. Instead, positivity and happiness are compulsively pushed.” Without accepting the emotions and feelings we have, both good and bad, actually leads to more stress, anxiety, and depression.
Signs of toxic positivity include trying to give someone your perspective on the situation instead of validating the way they are feeling, having the “it is what it is” mentality, or pushing the ‘positivity’ attitude onto someone (or yourself) to the point of frustration.
Not only does this toxic mindset happen within ourselves, but it can also happen with the people around us. Friends, family, and coworkers can tell us things that can cause us to hide our emotions or make us feel guilty for feeling the way that we do. Especially during times like this. An example of this is I was supposed to study a semester abroad in Spain, but because of COVID it was cancelled and I didn’t have the time to make it up (because I was graduating the following year). I was devastated because I have been waiting for this moment since I was a senior in high school. I knew that what I was feeling was valid and I should be feeling that way because I worked so hard. But, I had some people tell me “Well, look at the bright side, things could be worse for you.” or “You can’t think negatively about the situation because you have so much more to be grateful for.”, yada yada yada. Okay yes I see how my situation is blessed and yes there are people who are going through way worse than me. It took me awhile to process it (nearly 5 months), but I wanted to lay all my options out on the table and realize, yes this f*****g sucks right now and it’s okay to cry, I just have to figure out what my next step is (and here I am with my own website and brand). So it’s important to note if you are being that toxic positive friend or family member that you need to change the way you might approach a situation. Here are some examples:
Now, how do you deal with the ‘toxic positive’ thoughts that might run through your mind?
Recognize the ‘toxic positive’ messages sent your way. This can be within yourself, your friends, family members, or coworkers. You may even see some things on social media! There are many people who only put their best, most successful face out there for the world to see when in reality, it isn’t like that.
Always remember that it is okay to not be or feel okay. I know I have those days that I don’t want to talk or deal with anyone and I may stay in bed until 1 or 2 p.m. I don’t chastise myself for feeling like that or not being productive one day. So, always give yourself that time when you feel you need it.
Don’t ignore your emotions. Not acknowledging your feelings, whether good or bad, will only make it worse. Be okay with processing those happy, sad, or angry feelings.
Face the different facets of reality: Especially during times like this, acknowledge what is going on and how you feel because of it. Don’t feel like you need to undermine your emotions or what you’re personally going through due to the thought of what other people are going through.