“Realia”
If you’re like me, and I imagine you are, you’ve lost hours, days, and weeks of your life to non-necessities, invaluable and unworthy moments prolonged by confusion and bewilderment. You end up thinking in the end, “People suck,” or you get around to saying, “Something must be wrong with me.” Either one leaves you with the same thing, another forced effort to cope with the bullshit. And it isn’t lost on me that I start with a statement around wasting time on forced coping and then go on to write an entire article in which I devote more time to the subject. But that fact alone should tell you how prevalent this topic is on my mind, and how seriously I take the realia that has constantly found its way back to me like a mistress I cannot be without. She seems to know better and want for worse, though, like you, deep down I know that I cannot let her take my hand again; I cannot let her lead me toward despondency and hopelessness. I just pull her in, place our hands within a Waltz, spin her one good time for old time’s sake, and whisper a profound, “Fuck off,” before sending her on her way just as dumbfounded as she found me.
I promise you that coping with all the bullshit isn’t as hard as your mind and belly try to convince you it is. I recognize that some people can’t shake certain feelings, can’t rid themselves of the nonsense, and can’t part from the nagging that keeps them awake at night. It’s almost an addiction. You need to plunge the needle of despair into your veins because it’s the only way you might feel something, or you take that puff, sit back, and brood because it’s the only way you’ll be able to think your way through it and come out the other side with only bruises and no scars.
But, I tell you, a little sense of Fuck-It is healthy. In my heart I know you know that, but I want to lend that final hand to yours that makes you realize just how damaging it is to let things chip away at you.
Take it from someone who has tried the outside ailments, the internal hinderances, and the numerous forms of torturing one’s own mind, body, and soul. I’ve plunged my car into the ravine, drank ten drinks too many, sniffed, smoked, and fucked up, and in, more times than I am proud of and willing to reveal. I’ve tried to blow-out my own vocal cords, break my own bones, as well as someone else’s, and let my nights be influenced, taken over, and heisted by thoughts and people that never deserved my time. But you know what I learned, you know what I took on and allowed to impart itself, its essence, into my life? It’s something you’ve probably heard a million times… You make your own happiness.
It’s not a joke, and I’m here to tell you. It takes time to develop thick skin and a switch on and switch off ability to just say, “Fuck it,” and move on, to not think about something again and to not let it bother you. Lately, I’ve been seeing posts about the 86,400 seconds we have in a day and the logic behind not letting a bad 10, or 60, or whatever number the poster attaches, ruin your day. But that, too, is idealistic misrepresentation because we know that it isn’t 10 seconds or 60 seconds or any small amount of time that can ruin the other 86,000-plus seconds we have before the clocks reset. It might be 10 seconds for them, but it’s minutes and hours for us. It is the rock in our shoe that we rumble around, trying to decide if it’s on the inside or the outside, wondering whether we need to fix it, or it will fix itself.
So, let me start you with the first piece of knowledge you will need to cope better with the bullshit. That first thing you want to do in response, if it’s a distraction, don’t do it! Do not open that phone of yours and scroll, swipe, sift, or surf. Don’t lock your door and, as Russell Brand would say, give it a “half-hearted wank” to make the pain go away. What you should do is one of two things: 1) Something you love, or, 2) Something productive.
If you’re a singer, listen to music and sing along, man! Let the music take the pain on and you feel the good that comes from the words that pass through your ear and through your vocal cords. If you’re a writer, create a short story, poem, song, or journal entry. Write that new character into your project that deserves the beatdown or comeuppance that you wish you could’ve imparted upon that deviant that wronged you, though you didn’t because you’re better than that and have shit to do besides go to court or jail for assault.
What I mean is this, if you’re an artist, create art. If you’re a builder, build. Whatever you are, go do that thing that you love because over time you’ll develop a deeper need, and, therefore, passion for it that brings you not only happiness but a sense of success because you’ve done something with your time that led to a smile that lasted longer than the frown someone else gave you.
Just don’t jump on the distractions. Don’t scroll through Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or Snapchat, looking at people you don’t truly know and have only convinced yourself you care about because it pulls you out of reality. Trust me, Reality will be waiting like a jobless hypochondriac that lives walking distance from the free clinic. Don’t go and shop online (likely padding some millionaire’s pockets and depleting your own) for materials and items you don’t need because the purchase gives you a sense of worthy anticipation that’ll undoubtedly reward your patience. Don’t order all that takeout that you’ll inevitably toss in the trash or eat that whole pint of ice cream because “it’s smaller than a carton,” and will grow on your hips when you could’ve worked out and got three times the satisfaction.
I’m telling you, go do something you love or something productive. I have spent hours trying to sing my vocal cords in half. I’ve literally tried to tear them by singing songs I had no training for. I’ve engaged in basement fights, wrestling matches, and relationships that I should’ve never been a part of because it meant that someone else was going to take on the pain life kept dealing me, or, at the very least, share in the pain and replace little portions of it with distraction that I’d confuse for happiness.
Coping is hard, but it isn’t impossible. It’s necessary, time consuming, and worrisome, but I promise you that if you do it right, by doing something you love or something productive, and not by doing something meaningless and distracting, you’ll be better for it.
The second piece of knowledge I want to share with you is this: Know the difference between healthy distractions and unhealthy distractions. I say this near-contradictory statement because there are good versions of distraction. Calling a parent, venting to a friend, sitting at a coffee shop, reading that book over again, seeing a movie for an umpteenth time, rearranging that room you’ve already rearranged, etc. There are good and bad versions of everything, and this is how you know the difference. If your mind, your gut, or your heart supplies you with an uneasy feeling, “PAUSE!” (Kevin McDonald, a dear friend with great timing and stolen one-liners.) Take that introverted second and think, “Is this what’s best right now?” If you have any doubt, then stop and try to think about what is best for you. If it’s confronting that person, then do it! Think your way through the millions of scenarios that may take place during that confrontation and keep a calm, polite, and level head about you. Always remember to “Never argue with a fool. From a distance, no one can tell who’s who.” (I have no idea who said that originally.)
The last piece of knowledge that I want to share with you about coping with the shit in life is this: Knowledge… Yup! I know what I just did. But it’s true. Knowledge. Educate yourself. YouTube University is real and they’re just waiting to hand out degrees. The world’s largest library (the internet) is at your fingertips. Use it! I guarantee that life will get better and easier the more prepared you are for it. Learning from your mistakes is as imperative to your survival as learning, well, survival skills. And I’d argue with anyone that learning to cope, learning to adapt, is as vital to your well-being and survival as breathing, eating, drinking.
To do all of this, you must educate yourself on what compartmentalization is, as well as what disassociation is. One is healthy (compartmentalization), and one is not (disassociation). Part of coping, gaining that Fuck It mentality toward the little things that should never weigh on us, comes from understanding the difference between the two. To compartmentalize is to break a situation or circumstance down and see it for what it is. You then determine whether it was big or small, or personal or not. Then you make the determination about what to do next, say “Fuck it,” or embark on a journey of coping. To disassociate is basically shut yourself off, to shut down, and to ignore compartmentalizing and coping. It causes you to bottle things up, to stew and brood, and to avoid resolution. And I know that you’re of the intelligent kind and understand that the avoidance of resolution, of closure, and/or of conclusion is a negative that, if built upon, can lead to great misfortune, misbehaving, and misrepresentation of the self, the inner soul, the real you…
If there’s anything I want you to take from this article, it is this: Shit will always be thrown your way, either by the tangible or intangible, yourself or someone else, and learning to cope positively with that fact of living is going to better your mental and physical health. It is going to help you learn about yourself, love yourself, and understand others and their actions. It’ll make your relationships more fruitful, your food taste better, your decisions more definitive and valuable, and your overall life more tolerable. There are right ways and wrong ways to do things. Educate yourself, listen to yourself, and prepare for the inevitable. Time doesn’t stop when you ask it to or wish upon it. Life doesn’t get easier when you ignore it. People don’t get better when you disconnect from them. But everything becomes more manageable when you look inward, when you cope, when you compartmentalize, and when you learn when to say, “Fuck it,” or “Fuck you.” Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Learn, live, and last.
In all, know that you’ll be fine, and things will get better when taken care of the right way. You’re loved and longed for, and if not noticeably by anyone else, then always by yourself.
