It’s Not a Breakup, it’s a Transition

We’ve all been through it, and if you haven’t experienced a breakup yet, you probably will. Breakups are a part of life. From past experiences, I personally do not handle breakups well. Not to sound dramatic, but they literally feel like the end of the world. Obviously not my whole world, but just a piece of it, if you get what I mean. The piece where I think about how I envisioned my future with that person in it, and also the part where I realize I just spent X amount of months or years opening up to this person, being vulnerable, and this is the end result… Am I the reason it ended? Could I have done anything differently? Was there something else I wasn’t told? Did I waste my time?

All these thoughts are scrambling around in your head and it becomes difficult to reign it all in and to fully come to terms with the fact that it’s a part of life. Now, I am a very strong believer in two things. The first thing is everything happens for a reason. I LIVE by this, even if it’s hard to think about or know that reason at the moment. The second thing is; every person who comes in your life is there to serve a purpose, to make you realize things you hadn’t realized before, whether that be about you, about other people or society, whether that be good, or bad. 

You could also be thinking, “what does a 22 year old know about love, about relationships, about breakups?” and you could possibly be right. However, I can say that what I write in this article is everything I have learned and experienced in my life up until present day and what I am still learning because love and relationships is by far the hardest thing I am trying to learn, understand, and deal with. And I say this because there are so many different emotions that come along with each situation, hurt, anger, confusion, sadness, etc, that it’s so hard to process it. You can even feel all these emotions at once and then that’s when it’s like “Wtf is going on?! What am I even feeling right now?!” The emotions are inevitable, but you can’t expect or know how you’re going to feel until it actually happens. And sometimes it just hits you in the face, like walking into a closed glass door (yes I have done this in my lifetime and yes I was sober). 

I’ve started to come to terms with my emotions more than I ever have previously. I’ve been reading different books that talk about relationships, and not just with a lover. But, the biggest thing that has helped me change some of my toxic ways and deal with relationships with other people is by sitting down with myself and my thoughts and really analyzing them. Letting myself experience and feel every single emotion that came to the surface was a major step for me. I used to hide the emotions or tell myself that “You’re fine.” or “Why are you crying over this?”, etc. This can also be referred to as internal toxic positivity. I didn’t realize how often I did this until I went to a workshop that spoke on this topic and had 7 out of 9 boxes checked off. The major one that I do literally almost ANY time I am going through something is overbooking my schedule. I purposely plan out everything and fill my schedule where I would be occupied for 12 hours a day and then come home and sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with the current situation I am in. Honestly, I thought I was doing myself a favor and was helping myself get over the situation faster by not thinking about it. Turns out I was doing the opposite and hurting myself even more.

I recently had gone through a “situationship” breakup I guess you could call it because there was no label on it, but I knew exactly how I felt and where I wanted things to go and it just ended. Like literally just *poof* ended (it was not on my part). I was dropped like a hot pan. One day it was good, great, and then the next day it was done. I was actually quite shocked by the amount of emotions I was experiencing because like I said, there was NO label on it and we were only speaking for three months, but I was so hurt and upset and I cried so much because I felt the situation made me question my worth and who I was as a person, a situation that I’ve never really been put in before.

I got my sign from the universe and that day I got an email about a “healing past relationships” workshop that was gonna be held that night and I was like “hmmm timing ok definitely have to join.” It was hosted by Whitney Miller (@whitnlove on IG), a professional relationship coach. She spoke about many different topics, but the one that stuck with me the most was when she said “You are not going through a breakup, you are going through a transition.” She then further exclaimed how breakups are actually important to go through in life and there are so many benefits that come along with it. The major one is getting excited. Yes, she said GETTING EXCITED. In my head I was like, “My heart is shattered, I’m over-eating, crying anytime I think about it. And you want me to get EXCITED.” But, she was right. You need to get excited about your new life, the new path you’re about to head down, because chances are, you are exactly where you are supposed to be at in life.

I know that when I start the healing process after any breakup situation, I am a better person, mentally and emotionally. I always learn something from the situation, even if it’s a hard truth. So, hearing Whitney discuss a breakup as a “transition” period helped me realize exactly what the next stage in my life is called. I am in the transition period and I love it. This period is about self-love, which needs to be carried out in every period of your life, it’s about learning how to be in your own company again, how to love “you-time” and being alone, learning to not expect a text or a call from this person anymore and being okay with that. The healing process is tough because, like I previously mentioned, emotions can be very overwhelming, especially if we don’t know how to deal with them. She also mentioned multiple times that “healing is not linear.” On some days I cry because the way the situation ended sucked and I am learning how to be okay with not getting an answer as to “Why?”. And then there are other days where I don’t even think about it. 

Remember to use the outlets given to you during this time. These outlets can be your friends, family, that book that you love. It could even be the project you’ve been thinking about doing and just haven’t done it yet because you couldn’t find the time for it (aka didn’t make time for it), but you really want to do it. These outlets are things that you love, the things that make you happy.   

The best advice I can give to you (and to myself) is to be grateful. Be thankful for the relationship, be thankful for the things it taught you, be thankful for the memories and experiences that were shared, be thankful for the TRANSITION period you are going through (or will go through in the future), and always be thankful for you, for showing up each and every day and doing the damn thing.