Signs you’re Dating a Narcissist
What is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
It is one type of personality disorder/mental condition that causes people to “have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” This specific disorder affects about 1% of the population, but a person can have narcissistic traits without ever getting diagnosed.
Let me make this clear, narcissism is NOT a way to describe “self-love”. “Narcissists are in love with an “idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity.”
Narcissism isn’t “black and white”, but instead it falls on a spectrum. Take the narcissistic personality inventory test here!
https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/
Knowing a narcissist whether through a relationship, friendship, family member, etc, can take a hard toll on a person's physical and mental confidence. These people do not take criticism well and are always looking for attention and praise. This doesn’t just affect one specific point in their life, but it pours into every single, living aspect. In a narcissists eyes, they can never be wrong and will oftentimes blame others for their own wrongdoings. When it is brought to a narcissist’s attention, they are very reluctant to change their behavior.
It is important to know the warning signs of dealing with a narcissist.
Warning signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Frequent mood swings or “on/off” behavior: Relationships with narcissists start off so amazing and they express how compatible you guys are and long term goals will be talked about early on, but then one little thing will set them off, quickly turning the relationship toxic and abusive. They will turn on you without hesitation. You can find yourself asking, “What happened?” or “What did I do?” and then all of a sudden they come back because “they can’t live without you”. This is a continuous cycle that will never stop until you leave.
“Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina.
2. Gaslighting: If there's one thing to take out of this article, it is THIS definition. Gaslighting is, “a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and ultimately lose her or his own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.” This occurs a lot in narcissistic relationships, but this can even occur if they don't check off all the signs of being a narcissist. These are the signs of gaslighting:
You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
You feel like everything you do is wrong in the relationship.
You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
You’re apologizing often, even when it's not your fault.
You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
3. Lack of empathy: Narcissist’s lack the ability to grasp emotions other than their own. A warning sign is if they make you feel misunderstood or trying to invalidate your emotions. There will also be situations where instead of listening to you, they turn the conversation onto themselves. They don’t show empathy because they strongly feel it will be viewed to others as weakness. Another example is if you are trying to hold them accountable for their actions and they come out and say “but you did this, this, and this”. This is the main reason why being in a relationship with a narcissist can turn ugly really quickly.
Don’t bother looking for an apology from a narcissist because you’re not getting one.
4. Exaggerated sense of “self-importance”: Conceited, selfish, boastful, and arrogant are just a few words to describe the personality of a narcissist. They are constantly looking for praise in their achievements, no matter how small. If they don’t get the praise and attention they think they deserve, they respond with violence and anger.
5. The breakup(er) not the breakup(ee): If you try to walk away, a narcissist will do everything in their power to get you back. They will tell you everything you’ve been wanting to hear, giving you the false impression that they’ve “changed”. This is just a facade that will not be held for long, the cycle will begin again soon after.
If you stand firm in the breakup, a narcissist will respond by doing things to hurt you. They stand for their reputation and they’ll do whatever it takes to save it. They often will get into another relationship immediately after.
6. Constant lies: Narcissists are constantly lying, even about the smallest things because they are extremely good at it. They lie so much, they tend to believe themselves. Some of the most constant lies are “I promise.” or “I’ll change.” When being in a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to listen and dissect the “ex” talk. Yes, we might all have that one crazy ex, but if you find them constantly saying “ALL my exes are crazy”.....RED FLAG.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship:
1. The most important thing to remember when dealing with a narcissist is setting boundaries. Narcissists hate to feel like they are being controlled because THEY only like to do the controlling. By setting boundaries with a narcissist for your relationship, friendship, etc, it helps keep the emotional ties at arm's length. Once you’re in too deep with a narcissist, it can be extremely hard to get out.
“You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them. Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them. Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.”
2. A narcissist cannot be given a second chance because a second chance will turn into a third and then a fourth and so on. It is best to completely cut all ties. You should also block them from every aspect of your life, especially on social media because narcissists tend to stalk and harass by constantly calling and sending messages after a breakup.
3. Let go of your need for clarity: I know I’ve said it and plenty of other people have definitely said this while thinking about or just ending a relationship; “I just need clarity.” Don’t expect anything out of this person because you will be disappointed. Be confident in who you are and don’t let their opinions change that.
4. Allow yourself the chance to grieve: Whether the relationship was two months or two years, you deserve to feel and understand the emotions you’re processing. Grieving is a part of the healing process. This will help you recognize the trauma that went on and how to avoid it in future relationships.
“I encourage you to get quiet. Find stillness. Breathe. Pay attention to your body. Tally up all the situations that give you pause, realize your worth, and what you deserve.” Claire Byrne, heartbreak coach.