“All Three of Me”
Walk into any room, take a look around, and count the people. What number do you start with, zero? One? If you start with either of the two, there’s already a problem.
Anywhere and everywhere we go, alone or with someone else, we take three people with us. How you choose to look at those three people is up to you. However, who they are can be narrowed into two perspectives, regardless of how you’ve chosen to identify them: 1) Past, Present, and Future; and 2) The Nightmare, The Current, and The Dream. Sure, one sounds fairly cliché while the other sounds straight out of a fictional horror novel, but they are titled that way to grant ourselves the first opportunity to make a decision that’ll change our lives. Whichever of the two you choose, it is entirely up to you. The choice should empower you because YOU are the one who is now taking their first step toward gaining a better perspective on themselves.
The idea is this: We need to be able to see ourselves through another lens, through someone else’s eyes to comprehend the consequences and outcomes our words and actions have on our lives. Sometimes our own judgments are so biased, so clouded by filters that we are blinded from what we should be able to see – events we can prevent or put in motion. Furthermore, we have got to be open to seeing ourselves in the ways – good and bad – that another person may interpret because our words and actions do bear weight. They mean something, even when we don’t believe they do. We havepower. We have meaning. We have an impact on the world and the people in it, regardless of how small we may feel we are. And what we do with our words and actions give others a perspective on who we are that may hinder us and our goals in life. Being able to comprehend ‘what we are’ based on ‘what we’ve done’ will allow us to make better decisions in the present that’ll lead to a promising future.
What we must do is recognize that gaining perspective on ourselves is a process of self-growth and that growth is a journey, one that cannot be begun by accident. We have got to be willing to accept that we are human, that we are mistake-driven, and taught by trial and error. We must admit to ourselves that we want to grow as a person, that we cangrow as a person, and that growth is possible for us. These acceptances and admissions are the first steps down the path toward perspective.
First, we have got to listen to ourselves! Let your gut tell you what it’s begging you to hear. Let your intuition guide you when your thoughts don’t afford you clarity. Our brains and bodies are designed to do so much more than the majority of us give them credit for. We rely on outside forces, outside stimulus, outside help, and outside opinions far too often, rather than allowing the rumble in our belly to guide us away from the decisions we will regret later on, or toward the realities we must pinch ourselves to believe are real.
As societal creatures, we are not in this fight alone, but we have to be cautious about who we listen to when seeking our education. Anyone with a YouTube channel can post a video. We know that… Same as how anyone with a Twitter account can post an inspirational tweet, and anyone with an Instagram account can post a motivational picture captioned by an unoriginal grouping of phrases that they’ll contradict in their next post. None of those immediate credentials makes someone worth listening to. But, much like finding a credible source in any classroom, certain people, certain professions, certain sources are better than others. So when we cannot give ourselves the help we need, when we must finally extend our hand toward outside help, we must first recognize that who we listen to is just as important as how well we listen to them.
When discussing this topic with a friend of mine, she told me about an exercise her therapist conducted with her. (One that you can try for yourself if you’d like. I did.) She was given a small sheet of notepad paper and was told to draw a two-by-two square in the center of the page the best she could. Once the square was drawn, she was instructed to write the names of everyone in her life who’s opinion mattered to her in the sense of helping her become her “truest and most authentic self.” Her therapist asked her to think calmly and make an honest list. She was told to use her natural handwriting – no bigger, no smaller than usual.
Admittedly, my friend confessed to struggling with what seemed like a simple enough task. Many would assume to start with a parent, maybe a sibling, likely their best friend, or their closest friend. But, for her, and for a lot of people, there were too many names coming to mind, and she was trying to squeeze them all inside the small box and couldn’t. She was unable to narrow them down as quickly as she wanted to, furthering her frustration. She then played with the size of her handwriting a little, figuring her therapist wouldn’t notice subtle changes or, at least, would excuse them. But what she confessed she was failing to do was decide on who in her life she trusted enough to feel comfortable putting their name inside the box. When the struggle became apparent, she was helped and told to only consider people who would genuinely help her learn more about who she is and not force her, to any degree, to make changes around theirs or others’ expectations of who she “should” be.
And, when she was done, after having thought and worked and stressed for nearly half an hour, she handed the piece of paper back to her therapist and listened as the names were read aloud. Inside the box, she noticed something, something that made her heart sink at the sound when she realized that not one of the names she wrote inside the box were her own.
As I said, I attempted the same activity and I, too, did not write my own name inside the box. Although, I, admittedly, took about thirty seconds to create my list. This was not because I didn’t care about my list or didn’t take the exercise seriously, but because I felt as though I had always had a strong grasp on whose opinions matter to me most. I just didn’t consider myself at the time. Now, I know that I should have, regardless of what I may think about myself and the things I have done. Both good and bad.
Just then, it clicked. I had realized something about the way I think that I hadn’t ever put a name to, hadn’t ever focused enough on it to make sense of it for myself. I realized that every person bears three faces, three personalities, three selves. I began to call them my nightmare-self, my current-self, and my dream-self, later removing the “my” and the “-self” from their names and giving them a more universal determiner – The.
The Nightmare. This is the version of myself that I never want to be, whether again or at all. This version terrifies me all day and all night. It’s the version of me that lost friends and family through reckless words and actions without regret (at the time), denied my father the ability to talk to me and not openly forgive him for all that he had done up to and after his death – things that spanned my entire life that a dying man would’ve gone to rest better knowing that his son didn’t hate him, the version of myself that was on The Drink and with whoever he could find that night, regardless of his obligations the next day. This version is the disassociated dark side of me, the closest reaching part of who I am to Jung’s shadow. This is the failure-come-to-life that has me staring blankly at the ceiling fan incapable of seeing a future with an ounce of light in it. It’s the version of me that abandons my unborn children, divorces my future wife, quits on my dreams, and finally gives in to the tendencies ever sad soul wishes wouldn’t hurt so much. This version is different for everyone, but to give it context, The Nightmare, to me, is all of those things and more.
The Current. This version is who I am at the present time. This is the person that I walk around as; the one that other people see, whether I let them or not. This version of me is the one I must most reflect on because it is the only one that is tangible. I do so in a metaphysical, percentage-like manner. If at one end (0%) is The Nightmare and the other end (100%) is The Dream, then I imagine myself immediately in the middle (50%). I call this The Current. From there, I reflect on myself, I attempt to see who I am and what I’m doing through outside perspectives and begin to see which direction the scale tips. The closer I get to zero, the more change I need to make. The closer I get to one hundred, the harder I need to push myself forward.
The Dream. This is who I want to be. This version is the person that if all the stars align and luck proves itself to be real, then this is the person I can reflect on and agree to be my best self. It doesn’t matter how you define The Dream you envision, just so long as you have a well-thought-out definition in place. For me, this is the version of myself that has the big yard, the loving wife, the wild but tame children, the cars paid-off, my family nearby, the swimming pool to cool off in, the lake nearby to run around, the dad-bod in check, the tenure professor position, some published books, and the bills are taken care of with a little leftover. This is the version that achieved what The Current set out to do so long ago. He has gone beyond the limitations I and others said I had. This is the version that brought me to and possibly beyond my own expectations. This is the one that sits me down and allows me to bask in the happiness around who I have become.
But, none of this can happen without accepting that there is room to grow, without accepting that I am human and have and will make mistakes that I need to learn from, without understanding who in my life matters most and what I should listen to and take in. I cannot begin to wish to breathe calmly if I do not trust that the air around me is clear. I cannot step forward if I do not trust that my feet will touch down on the proper path, regardless of whether it’s sharp glass and nails or beds of soft grass and flowers.
I had to realize something that I assumed was true and quickly found out wasn’t. I am not alone. Therefore, you are not alone. Someone somewhere is wishing us well, and even if they are not, we have ourselves. There are always three of you, just like there are always three of me. We are capable of more than we give ourselves credit for. We can do so much with the skill of thinking that it seems nearly criminal to not use our imagination and ability to self-reflect more.
All of this comes from the want to grow and the understanding that there is always the possibility to do so, as well as the room to do so. Just like every story, there are always two sides to it. It is in our power to decide which side we choose to narrate. Without reflecting on ourselves, without giving ourselves the opportunity to grow, without taking into account the opinions that actually matter and better us, and without trying to genuinely learn about ourselves and the many inner-workings of the human condition, we are doomed to fate, often one we will never desire. Reflection is our ticket toward making the necessary changes we must in order to steer clear of The Nightmare, progress beyond The Current, and become The Dream.
